I am on Xanga look for me! PaleLook. on Yahoo! EchoEcho139

It's a new year yet, same old sh*t.
I have a few extra pounds thou.
129
Goal weight 100.

There are times I feel so fragmented, one side of me wants so much to do good things and be happy, be ok with who I am. Yet there is another side of me that enbraces the eating disorder and the voice inside my head argues with each bite of food I consume. Most of the time I feel like an outsider to my own self, sitting on the sidelines watching thru eyes, yet unable to react.
The battles I have with my own self is so hard to live with, I feel such like a freak, like everyone knows there is something wrong, yet they never utter a word or gesture.
There are times I feel at peace, but more and more I am at war with my own thoughts, unable to unscrmble the tangle of voices within my own head, the war continues.
Unsure of each action I take, or even breath, there are times there is even a very dark side that only wishes for death and thinks of it.
I hate that part of me, I am a peacful person and seeing or hearing a fight brings chills down my spine and me looking for a clear way to get away from any fight.
Yet there is only one fight I can't escape from and that fight is with myself and the voices in my head, between me and my eating disorder, the fragment self I call me.
Yet there are times, I don't even know my own self.
Who am I? Why am I like this?
I don't know, I don't know, I just don't know anymore.
Still I keeping looking for wich way is up, what is the right road for me to take?
I don't know.
Who I am?
I don't know.

I look back on my life and there is nothing but failure at each turn.
The other day I tried to talk to mom about needing help and I told her how "I" felt.
She sidelined it saying how "SHE" thought "I" should feel. Why can't I speak my mind? Why is mom always telling me how I should feel about myself? I need help and no one seems to care.
If your past 25, your history, no one seems to notice you, or even care. Just try to get help without insurance and see how many doors get slammed in your face. You have just about take a knife to your throat in front of someone to get help.

But then again, I am nothing and wish to be nothing, so who cares?
I yell out for help, but no one hears me cry out for it.

I fail at everything I do.
I did three trys at something I felt called to and three times I failed.
I hate myself and my weight.
I am a failure

I am sick an tired or being sick and tired.

I don't have any fun, I have been tring to be happy and stay with my horse who is being much better but still needs tons of work before the next show season.

I am holding at 110 right now.

I see my "T" on Friday.

It was the 1st thanksgiving that no one was talking about weight or dieting. However I had to eat in front of everyone and the stuff they had was fatting to the gills.
I am hopping to loose the weight I gained over the past few days.
I got my period and feel like a gutted pig right now.
Failure is my middle name.

I ate so much the past few days, I gained all the weight I lost, back to 114.
All I can say is that I HATE MYSELF, P*RIOD!!!

Spent over an hour on the threadmill, wow I feel so great!
Had a sweat soaked shirt and a great high feeling.
I would have staied on longer, but need to get ready for work.
the threadmill said over 500 cals burned, of those over 165 were fat cals.
Good I burned off lunch. LOL
Wow I feel so great right now, words can't express the feeling!