backbonez

Xanga baby!

2009-08-06T22:48:24Z

I am on Xanga look for me! PaleLook. on Yahoo! EchoEcho139

backbonez @ 2009-01-04T20:00:00

2009-01-05T01:01:54Z

It's a new year yet, same old sh*t.
I have a few extra pounds thou.
129
Goal weight 100.

Fragmented and lost

2008-02-24T00:28:09Z

There are times I feel so fragmented, one side of me wants so much to do good things and be happy, be ok with who I am. Yet there is another side of me that enbraces the eating disorder and the voice inside my head argues with each bite of food I consume. Most of the time I feel like an outsider to my own self, sitting on the sidelines watching thru eyes, yet unable to react.
The battles I have with my own self is so hard to live with, I feel such like a freak, like everyone knows there is something wrong, yet they never utter a word or gesture.
There are times I feel at peace, but more and more I am at war with my own thoughts, unable to unscrmble the tangle of voices within my own head, the war continues.
Unsure of each action I take, or even breath, there are times there is even a very dark side that only wishes for death and thinks of it.
I hate that part of me, I am a peacful person and seeing or hearing a fight brings chills down my spine and me looking for a clear way to get away from any fight.
Yet there is only one fight I can't escape from and that fight is with myself and the voices in my head, between me and my eating disorder, the fragment self I call me.
Yet there are times, I don't even know my own self.
Who am I? Why am I like this?
I don't know, I don't know, I just don't know anymore.
Still I keeping looking for wich way is up, what is the right road for me to take?
I don't know.
Who I am?
I don't know.

Umm Not..

2007-12-06T16:10:20Z

I look back on my life and there is nothing but failure at each turn.
The other day I tried to talk to mom about needing help and I told her how "I" felt.
She sidelined it saying how "SHE" thought "I" should feel. Why can't I speak my mind? Why is mom always telling me how I should feel about myself? I need help and no one seems to care.
If your past 25, your history, no one seems to notice you, or even care. Just try to get help without insurance and see how many doors get slammed in your face. You have just about take a knife to your throat in front of someone to get help.

But then again, I am nothing and wish to be nothing, so who cares?
I yell out for help, but no one hears me cry out for it.

backbonez @ 2007-08-24T01:56:00

2007-08-24T05:57:56Z

I fail at everything I do.
I did three trys at something I felt called to and three times I failed.
I hate myself and my weight.
I am a failure

Blahhhh

2006-12-08T04:00:42Z

I am sick an tired or being sick and tired.

I don't have any fun, I have been tring to be happy and stay with my horse who is being much better but still needs tons of work before the next show season.

I am holding at 110 right now.

I see my "T" on Friday.

backbonez @ 2006-11-26T22:38:00

2006-11-27T03:38:56Z

Your Body Image is 92% Unhealthy, 8% Healthy

You don't feel good about the way you look... pretty much ever.
And it's impacting your life so much that you need to seek help.

How's Your Body Image?

F*CK Thanksgiving!

2006-11-27T02:56:39Z

It was the 1st thanksgiving that no one was talking about weight or dieting. However I had to eat in front of everyone and the stuff they had was fatting to the gills.
I am hopping to loose the weight I gained over the past few days.
I got my period and feel like a gutted pig right now.
Failure is my middle name.

I am a failure

2006-11-08T02:56:34Z

I ate so much the past few days, I gained all the weight I lost, back to 114.
All I can say is that I HATE MYSELF, P*RIOD!!!

Feeling good!

2006-10-26T17:17:32Z

Spent over an hour on the threadmill, wow I feel so great!
Had a sweat soaked shirt and a great high feeling.
I would have staied on longer, but need to get ready for work.
the threadmill said over 500 cals burned, of those over 165 were fat cals.
Good I burned off lunch. LOL
Wow I feel so great right now, words can't express the feeling!

insert title here

2006-10-26T00:57:27Z

I just came home and I had went shopping, I needed cat food but ended up getting some more food, most low cal, salad and veggies and a gallon of apple cider(it's better then pepsi).
So mom is there at the door because her friend just left(I am glad I wasn't home I hate this ladies two kids, they are so unmanagable and destroy everthing they touch), so she helpped put stuff away.
Then the bomb shell "do you want anything to eat?" she contines "Have some chicken, brocali, tomatoe, and roll"
I get a very small plate out and take less then 1/4 of checken breast, four brocali florets and a small salad with a spritz of dressing with apple cider.
Mom then chimes in "aren't you haveing more then that?"
Then I lied and told her I had McD's at the barn.
So then I sit to eat and she sits across from me and watches every bite I eat! She is asking me how my day went, whats new with so and so and whats going on at the barn, do you have any plans for the weekend and so on and she is asking these things while I eat.
Then she escorts me upstairs to my room.
I showed her the scale I brought from my fathers house, it's digital and I love it, it showed 113 with clothes and I weighed myself before my shower and it showed 110.
Mom hoped on and her weight was 148! YIKES!!! I will kill myself if I ever got over 120.
I am 5'1" and hope to be well under 100 by christmas, you know the "little black dress", inspirered by "for the love of nancy"

Anyway, oh I bought some books one is "THIN" by Lauren Greenfild paid 35 dollars for it, it's a large hardcover about people with eating disorders at Renfrew in Florida, and some of the pictures are like "WOW!!", talk about 'thinspiration'. and there is a sticker on this book about a DVD from HBO so I need to check that out.

here

2006-10-20T15:26:48Z

I am here, thou there are times I wish I wasn't.
Mom left me another plate of food, ate only a tiny bit and threw the rest away. I feel so ashamed that I waste good food and can't share my feelings with my mom.
But then again she treats me like a kid, I am 36, I don't need her to leave me plates of food, I don't need her to sit across from me watching me every moment.
It's raining and my mood reflects it, I am down in the dumps.

Back

2006-10-18T15:06:20Z

I am back from vaca, we didn't do anything but we went out to eat a few times, my sis also made dinner. I had to eat and now I am scared to even look at the scale.
Mom left another huge plate of food, I ate six bites and threw the rest away, now I am planning to goto the mall to walk this weight off.
I hate vaca's.

WOW

2006-10-03T15:42:57Z

I feel so good right now, just spent nearly an hour on the threadmill!
When I got off the room felt like it was still moving, wow what a feeling!
Remind me to do this more often!

PICS!!!

2006-10-02T16:42:32Z

Today's view

Today's side view, I was leaning over to take the pic.

I do STILL have alot of pounds to loose.
Moms scale is nice in saying I am under 115 near 110.

Need to do more sit-ups and tummy crunches get rid of that bowling ball on my tummy.
I hate the pic's but it's good for me to see them, gives me "thinspiration" to be thinner and loose more weight.

backbonez @ 2006-10-02T12:15:00

2006-10-02T16:18:47Z

It feels so good not to eat anything, do 15 min on the threadmill and be like near passing out. I mean I should be freaking out but I am not, it's like all my fears are slipping away with each pound lost.
It's like a high, it is a high, I mean I feel so good right now, words can not begin to explain it. I love this feeling.

I hate myself

2006-09-30T23:40:13Z

At work they had out a box of donuts a thank you gift from a client, so one other employee comes up to the box and starts to cut into one jelly filled donut, she hands me the other half and I didn't want her to think I wouldn't eat so I took a bite of it in front of her, and when she walked away I quickly sip out what I had in my mouth and wrapped the uneaten donut and threw it away.
Mom made me eat dinner just steak and potatoe, so I ate the small steak leaving as much fat behind as I could, then I left some potatoe too.
I just feel so guilty when I seek food or such, like last night I came home from work and mom offered me some cookies, I took three upstairs with me and threw them away, then today when I got home I took yogurts up to my room after mom saw me with them and scooped the yogurt out and left the cups on the dresser, when mom came up she took the cups downstairs.

I feel good that I am slowly loosing, but also very guilty about wasting food.
I hate me.

That time Grrr. .. . !!!

2006-09-27T16:21:50Z

Well it's that time of the month and I am in pain, I don't even feel like eating.
I hate my p*r**d "." !!!
One reason why I would love to be underweight.

Eating out WOES! ! ! !

2006-09-24T01:28:13Z

I don't know why I went out to eat at a place that I have started to hate.
The guy who owns it now is a womanizer always hanging over me or my mom when we go there. Tonight he sat there across from me, with his heavy russin accent telling me how he is having problems with wait staff. So I hardly look at him, pretending to be reading a magazine, when my food comes(steak and shrimp)I begin eating and he is still tring to talk to me.
I had worked there before he came on as a new owner to be, so that's how he "knows" me from. But really I hate when some guy sits across from me and stays there while I eat food.
Then he tries to get me to promiss I will come in Sunday with mom, I told him I couldn't promiss that because I don't know my mom's plans, I wasn't lying.
SO I think it's time to cut ties for good with TLP.

Yes I ate out, I broke down and ate some a steak and shrimp dinner, it's all I ate, I didn't eat the potatoe.
I did eat the salad and some garlic bread, I know ICK!
So back to the grind of NOT EATTING! ! ! !

Little black dress waiting to be worn on Christmas.

WEEEEEE!!!!

2006-09-22T15:22:41Z

I have dropped some poundage! I am about 111-115 now, yeah!
Diet pill cocktails are great!

weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2006-09-20T00:23:06Z

I am below 115!!! YEAH!!!

backbonez @ 2006-09-10T19:43:00

2006-09-10T23:49:36Z

Why is it I can just come out and say what I mean? I hate not being able to speak my mind like I would like too.

I feel so dissociated right now, not seems real to me.
Grrrr

backbonez @ 2006-09-09T23:52:00

2006-09-10T03:56:20Z

I saw my T on thrusday, it was a good session.
I have noticed that I talk less about my ed, I have been talking about my dissociation and fear of people.
I am just a messed up person, why do I even try?
It's all because I have fat cells eating my brain cells.

Grrr

Back

2006-09-04T00:21:23Z

I took some time off, I am back!

I bought some diet pepsi "jazz" soda today, while it's not great, it's good enough for me to drink.

Portion Control

2006-08-14T05:21:10Z

I have been eatting smaller portions, when my mom asks if I like more, I just tell her I would love more, but I have to watch my portions.